How to Listen When Your Child Is Upset | The Worry Wizard

Not Everything Your Child Brings You Needs Solving

Sometimes the most helpful response is not an answer. It is a little space, and seven words that say: you can bring this to me.

September’s change can arrive with a speed that leaves you breathless.

Emails from school. WhatsApp groups pinging before 7am. Packed lunches. What’s for tea? Clubs, kit and permission slips. Remembering who needs what, where and when, on which day. Then the actual doing of it.

And somewhere underneath it all, a small whisper:

Where does my stuff fit in? And me?

So the pace picks up. You tick one thing off the list and move to the next, and the next.

And this is where it becomes easy to miss something important.

Children do not always begin with the whole story

A child’s first offering is not always a clear explanation of what has happened or how they feel.

It might be a little comment about lunchtime. A half-sentence about a friend. Something mentioned from the back seat of the car, or just as the light is being switched off.

They may not know precisely what they are trying to tell you. They may be testing the water. They may simply be trying to discover whether there is room for the thing they are carrying.

But these sideways offerings arrive into the same pace as everything else. Into the packed lunches, messages and mental lists.

They arrive at to-do-list speed, so that is often the energy they receive.

Something to respond to. Something to fix. Something to tick off.

Why care can so quickly become problem-solving

The urge to solve comes from care.

When something is hurting our child, of course we want to make it better. We search for the right advice, ask the next question, suggest what they could say tomorrow or begin planning how we will sort it out.

Care can seem to have one setting: resolve it and move on.

But sometimes, before a child needs our answer, they need to know that what they have brought can stay in the room. That they do not need to present the tidy version. That they can return when they have found another piece of the story.

Seven words that create space

This month, a grownup in The Worry Wizard Community shared how important seven simple words had become between them and their child:

“I am so glad you told me.”

I noticed the space those words created.

They did not rush past the child’s offering in search of a solution. They connected first to the relationship between them.

The words seemed to say:

• I don’t have to bring the tidy version.

• I don’t have to already know what it means.

• I can come back.

• There is space here.

Listening does not mean doing nothing

Making space does not mean that we never help, ask questions or act. Some situations need practical support. Some need another trusted adult or professional alongside us. Safety concerns always need a response.

It simply means that we do not have to begin by solving.

We can begin by letting the child know that we heard them.

You might try:

“I’m so glad you told me. Would you like me to listen, or would you like us to wonder together about what might help?”

A child may not know the answer. That is okay too. The question offers choice without requiring certainty.

A small pause can change what becomes possible

Perhaps the next time a sideways comment arrives, the most helpful thing will not be the perfect response.

Perhaps it will be a breath. A pause. A few words that tell your child there is room for whatever comes next.

Not everything your child brings you needs solving. Some of it just needs space.

Somewhere to find support

If you are supporting a child through an “I feel so unsure” moment, The Worry Wizard Community offers practical, therapy-informed resources, ideas and guidance you can turn to at the point you need them.

Join here: https://www.theworrywizard.com/

But what I hope you will find most is the feeling that you are not carrying this on your own anymore.

And before you go, perhaps there is something to notice:

When your child brings you a worry what happens inside you first?

The urge to reassure? To ask questions? To make it better?

No judgement. Just a little noticing.

Frequently Asked Questions

What might I say when my child tells me something is wrong?

You do not have to begin with an answer. When a child tells us something is wrong, what they often hope for first is to be heard. A simple phrase such as "I'm so glad you told me" can say a great deal. It lets your child know that you have noticed, that the feeling is welcome, and that there is room to say more whenever they are ready. I wonder what it might feel like for your child to hear those words, and for you to say them. Many grownups feel it is not big enough, but for a child, feeling heard can be the biggest feeling of all.

What can I do when my child doesn't want to talk about their feelings?

Try letting go of the idea that there needs to be a full explanation. Children often share in small pieces. A comment in the car. Something said at bedtime. A passing remark about their day. These moments are not less than a conversation. They are often how a conversation begins. Staying curious and close by leaves the door open for your child to come back to it in their own time. It can feel tender when a child holds something back, and that feeling is understandable. Trying to support yourself when you feel your child is holding something back is important too.

Is it helpful to give my child advice when they are worried?

Practical help is sometimes welcome. It simply does not always need to come first. You could ask, "Would you like me to listen, or would you like us to wonder together about what might help?" This gives your child a little choice about what they need from you in that moment, and it tells them their feelings matter before anything else is offered.

How can I encourage my child to talk to me about their worries?

You cannot make a child talk, and that can be a hard thing to sit with as a grownup. What you can do is help build a relationship in which worries are always welcome. Listening without hurrying towards an answer, letting conversations arrive in small pieces, and telling your child you are glad they told you all help make room for the next conversation. Over time, this is how a shared language for worries and wellbeing begins to grow between you.

You are not the only grownup wondering about these moments. You belong here too. Join us inside The Worry Wizard Community, where we are building that shared language together.

Join here: https://www.theworrywizard.com/