Your Job Isn't to Fix It: What Children Really Need When They're Anxious by Amy Smythe, Accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist
- The Worry Wizard
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
I've been thinking about what we're really offering children when they're anxious.
It's not fixing it. It's not taking it away.
It's something quieter than that.
It's staying calm when they're not.
Why This Matters
If you're reading this, you probably know that feeling. Your child is anxious, maybe about bedtime, maybe about school, maybe about something you can't quite name. And you want to help. Of course you do.
But here's what I've noticed over 20 years of working with families: the instinct to fix the anxiety often comes from our own discomfort with seeing our child struggle.
Their distress activates something in us.
Our nervous system responds to theirs. And suddenly we're trying to solve, reassure, or eliminate the feeling. Not because it helps them, but because it helps us feel like we're doing something.
The Gift of Your Calm
What if I told you the most powerful thing you can offer an anxious child isn't a solution?
It's your regulated presence.
When you stay calm whilst they're not, you're doing something profound: you're teaching their nervous system that this feeling is survivable. That they don't need to be afraid of their fear.
Your calm tells them: "This feeling won't last forever."
But How? (When It Feels Impossible)
I know. Staying calm when your child is distressed is one of the hardest things to do.
Simple to say. Hard to practise.
Here's what I've learnt helps:
Tend to Your Own Nervous System First
Before you respond, pause. Even just for three breaths.
This isn't about being perfect or never feeling activated. It's about creating a tiny gap between their distress and your response. A gap where you can notice your own state and choose how you want to show up.
Three slow breaths. That's often enough to shift something.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Sometimes your regulated presence includes words:
"I'm here. You're safe. We'll figure this out together."
Sometimes it's just staying steady beside them. No words needed. Just your calm, grounded presence saying: "I can hold this with you."
You don't need all the answers.
You don't need to make the anxiety disappear.
You just need to stay present.
What Children Need Most
I've worked with hundreds of families navigating child anxiety. And what I've seen again and again is this:
Children don't need us to eliminate their uncomfortable feelings.
They need us to show them that uncomfortable feelings can be held. That they're not dangerous. That someone can stay calm alongside them whilst they feel what they're feeling.
That's the gift.
Not fixing. Not solving. Just presence.
For the Times When It's Hard
Some days you won't manage this. Some days their anxiety will activate yours, and you'll respond in ways you wish you hadn't.
That's okay. That's being human.
What matters is coming back. Repairing. Trying again.
I'm still learning this myself. After 20 years of this work, I'm still practising the art of staying calm when someone I care about isn't.
It's a practice, not a destination.
A Gentle Reminder
If you take nothing else from this post, take this:
Your job isn't to fix your child's anxiety.
Your job is to stay calm when they're not, and in doing so, teach their nervous system that they're safe, even when they don't feel safe.
That's enough. You're enough.
What Helps You Stay Calm?
I'd genuinely love to hear from you. What helps you regulate your own nervous system when your child is struggling? What practices have you found helpful, even imperfectly?
Leave a comment below. Your experience might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.
More Support for Your Family
If you're looking for ongoing support in building emotional connection with your child, I'm excited to share that we're launching something new on November 20th.
In This Together: A Year with The Worry Wizard brings gentle, practical resources into your home each month. Conversation starters, reflective prompts, and simple practices for families who want to connect more deeply.
It's been 20 years in the making, and I'd love you to be part of it.
[Make sure you follow to learn more about In This Together →]
But you don't need to wait. The practice of staying calm, of offering presence over answers, that starts right now. With the next breath. With the next moment your child needs you.
You've got this. 💚
Amy Smythe is an accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist and Founder of The Worry Wizard, which has supported over 100,000 children and families over the past 20 years. She specialises in helping families navigate childhood anxiety and build emotional connection.
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